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Key Takeaways:
A healthy money life is built on boundaries and reciprocity.
When we use money to please others, we risk our own financial well-being.
People-pleasing can look like underearning, overspending, avoiding financial tasks, or even rejecting money.
Learning to set limits and voice your needs is key.
Reclaiming your financial power is about saying no to things that don’t support your growth.
Do you use your wallet as a way to gain acceptance? It’s an instinct that can leave you spent… in more ways than one.
We're talking about financial fawning, a term first coined by the Trauma of Money institute, a finance-focused psychoeducational program. The behavior puts others' comfort and needs ahead of your own, typically using money and time, and often at a steep price. It’s a strategy for security and acceptance, but it can leave you with a losing hand.
The Deal: The Hand You Didn't Know You Were Playing
"Generally the rule is: the nicer the guy, the poorer the card player…" - Rounders
When you're a fawner, your financial life can feel like a game of giving in. Maybe you start by playing small, charging less than your work is worth just to gain approval. That can quickly become a habit of reflexively grabbing the check at dinner or lending cash to friends when you can't really afford it. Before you know it, you've completely abandoned your own financial boundaries.
This behavior is a giving reflex that can take over your bank account and your calendar, causing you to give until well over your limit. It's over-the-top to over-give, neglecting your own needs to sidestep a potential conflict or rejection. The internal logic is flawed: "If I'm accommodating enough, I'll be secure." But this false sense of peace comes at a price.
What makes financial fawning so harmful is how it hides in plain sight. It’s a quiet form of self-neglect.This subtle yet powerful defense can run on autopilot, slowly chipping away at your financial security and sense of self.
The Flop: Regaining Control
The instinct to people-please is a social chameleon's trick for staying out of trouble. It's the move you make when fighting, fleeing, or freezing just aren't reliable options. You learn to make yourself more appealing to others.
Financial fawning behavior can seriously damage your odds of winning the money game. Think of a poker table: the objective isn't to be liked; it's to win the pot. A financial people-pleaser at that table is a guaranteed losing bet.
Their predictable, passive plays are a flashing signal to more experienced players, who will happily exploit a weak hand. They're giving away their power, one bad decision at a time.
Similarly, fawning habits can throw your finances into disarray, which is the reason you might:
Underearn: You fail to ask for a raise or negotiate your salary because you're afraid of being perceived as greedy. Self-employed folks might undercharge or give away their services for free to avoid a difficult conversation.
Overspend: You buy rounds of drinks or expensive clothes you can't afford just to fit in. You lend money you don't have, or give in excess to seek external validation.
Avoid finances altogether: Constant caretaking and approval-seeking are exhausting. It's hard to find the energy to pay your bills or do a monthly budget when you're so focused on pleasing everyone else.
Reject money: It’s one thing to avoid risk, but financial fawning can lead you to outright refuse the winnings. This happens when you believe that money equals selfishness. You might subconsciously sabotage your own success by avoiding promotions, feeling uncomfortable with a raise, or spending money as soon as you get it.
This isn't a simple case of low self-esteem; it's a deeply rooted narrative that it's selfish to have financial needs. Left unaddressed, it can become a default setting, and it’s a tough habit to break.
The Turn: Your Move to Reclaim Control
Breaking free from the cycle starts with building a new game plan. This means resisting urges, changing habits, and saying "yes" only to what you can reasonably manage.
Here are some boundaries to consider, adapted for your financial life:
Say no to things you don't like or that don’t contribute to your financial growth.
Protect your energy from people who drain it—especially if those interactions involve constant financial giving.
Practice positive self-talk: Forgive yourself for past financial mistakes.
Be honest with yourself: Acknowledge your financial needs without judgment.
The goal isn't to live like a hermit. It’s to create a life where what you give and what you get are in balance. When you’re always giving without receiving, you're running on empty. A healthy financial life is built on a two-way street, not a one-way flow.
The River: Learning to Set Limits
Your financial boundaries are about respecting your own needs and the needs of others. When you make a change, the ripple effect can sometimes feel like a jolt to those who were used to your old ways. But a healthy connection has room for everyone's needs to be met.
The Showdown: Betting on Yourself
When reclaiming your financial power, the goal isn't just to be "nice." The move is about building a life where your financial well-being isn't a bargaining chip, but a given. A life where you finally get to play your own winning hand.