We think this podcast summary is worth a listen:
Key Takeaways:
The way you handle money isn't just a reflection of past wounds; it's also a story you can rewrite.
Impulsive financial decisions can happen when your brain is overwhelmed.
Reframing shameful thoughts as questions can disarm the self-doubt we feel around money.
By syncing your mind and body you can regain control of your financial decisions.
Your worth is not your net worth; the real win is a stronger sense of self.
When it comes to money, the game you're playing against isn't across the table, it’s in your head. It's a truth we rarely talk about—the fact that our financial health is connected to our sense of self. A bad hand, a bad bluff, or even a winning streak can trigger a rush of emotions that feel out of our control. Proof that our relationship with money is less about numbers and spreadsheets and more about our self-worth.
The Set Up: The Unspoken Rules
It's said that a person's relationship with money is a mirror of their relationship with themselves. But what if that mirror is cracked, distorted by past experiences? Our financial habits are often a direct reflection of our self-worth, a feeling that we are either "enough" or "not enough." This isn't just overspending on a whim; it's the internal game of confidence, shaped by old beliefs and patterns, that impacts every financial decision we make.
The Deal: It's Always About More Than Just the Money
When we talk about financial distress, we're usually talking about a wounding that comes from money-specific harm, like persistent money stress, scarcity, or financial mistakes. This differs from our internal money story, which can be influenced by any negative experience in your lifetime—even one not directly related to money—that disrupts your sense of security.
According to the Trauma of Money Institute, trauma is a wounding that impacts our sense of self-worth, security, and safety. Since money represents these very things in our culture, a wound in one area will inevitably impact the other.
How does this show up?:
Money-Soothing Behaviors
Overspending: Buying things to gain external validation.
Workaholism: The compulsion to work to the point of exhaustion to avoid dealing with personal issues.
Money Avoidance Defenses
Financial Self-Sabotage: Avoiding bills, filing taxes late, and not looking at your bank account because the thought of it is too overwhelming.
Hoarding: Clinging to money out of a deep-seated fear of "what if I lose everything?"
Relational Money Patterns
Underearning: The inability to ask for a raise or not setting proper boundaries around what you charge for your time.
Financial Fawning: People-pleasing with money, such as always paying for others or undercharging for your services.
These behaviors aren't just bad habits. They're a deeply ingrained response. When we feel a lack of worth, we seek to fill that void with something tangible. We might try to buy a sense of belonging, or we might hide from our finances entirely to avoid the feelings of inadequacy they stir up.
The Flop: Physical Stress Response
When faced with a financial decision, it’s common for our brains to react in a state of high alert. Our amygdala, the brain's fire alarm, scans for danger. When it senses a threat, maybe a bill that feels too big or a salary negotiation that feels too scary, our internal alarm goes off. This causes us to enter a state of overwhelm disconnecting our logical prefrontal cortex from our emotional responses. In this state, it can feel impossible to think rationally about money.
This explains why we often react with impulse instead of logic. We might see something we "need" and buy it instantly, or we might freeze when it's time to invest or ask for a raise. Our nervous system is signaling danger, and our body responds by trying to soothe, which often leads to financial behaviors we later regret. We don’t need more financial literacy in this case, but to learn the rules of the game while our brain is in a panicked state.
The Turn: Your First Move
The good news is we can bring our nervous systems back to a calm state and regain control. It starts with addressing self-doubt. Instead of telling yourself, "I'm bad with money," consider reframing the thought into a question: "What if my value isn't tied to what I earn or own?" This shift in thinking can disarm the self-doubt we feel and help us get curious about why we may react to money the way we do.
Next, we can use bilateral stimulation—like walking, tapping, or dancing—to help calm an activated nervous system. This isn't just a mental trick; it’s a physiological reset.
Poker players understand this well. When a game gets tense, they often rely on simple physical actions like shuffling chips or going for a walk on a break to stay calm and clear-headed. These movements are like a physical reset, helping them stay grounded and in control of their emotions, not the other way around.
The River: Taking Control of the Narrative
“Play your hand, not your history.” - Poker Power
Once we've regulated our nervous systems, we can start to align our actions with an authentic sense of worth.
You might try:
Practicing discernment, not perfection. We're not aiming for a flawless financial life. We're aiming to make choices from a place of clarity and self-awareness, not fear or impulse.
Cultivating abundance. The opposite of scarcity is not excess; it's a sense of abundance. This isn't just about having more money but about seeing the world through a lens of reciprocity and collaboration.
Redefining your relationship with money. Money is a tool. It's not a measure of your worth. Start to see it as a way to support your life, not a source of your value.
This is a game of shifting your mindset from one ruled by past wounds to one rooted in your true self. The goal is to move from a place of "not enough" to "I am enough, no matter what".
The Showdown: Playing Your Own Game
When we reframe our financial challenges as a journey of growth, we discover that the true payoff isn't just a bigger bank account. It's a stronger sense of self. This is more than a quick fix or a new budget plan, requiring a deep, internal shift that can take time. But as you start to untangle your self-worth from your net worth, you'll find that the real win has nothing to do with a bigger pot of money—it's the power to play your own game.