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Can we admit something? This article on perfectionism almost didn't see the light of day, thanks to our own battle with it. (The irony is real!)
Are you caught in perfectionism paralysis, too? That familiar self-doubt that takes hold when you question if youâve bluffed your way into a task that was over your head?
Nevermind that 70% of us high-achieving professionals leverage our âperfectâ achievements as a means to validate our self worth. Somehow, we still think weâre inherently flawedâŠOr are we?Â
The Setup: Why Perfectionism Takes Hold
Perfectionism typically starts to form in early childhood. Experiences like inconsistent validation and love from caregivers may have left us feeling unsafe or ânot good enoughâ. As we developed, our sense of self formed around these core wounds.Â
This relentless pursuit of flawlessness solidifies through societal and personal experiences. Consider the subtle influences of our culture, from anti-aging ads to a feed full of influencers, we fixate on external appearances, having it all, doing the most. We may also succumb to hustle culture or struggle with a deeply ingrained belief that the only way to avoid disaster is to do things "perfectly" (as if such a thing actually exists).Â
From 'girlboss' ambition to the 'tradwife' ideal and the 'soft life' fantasy, society keeps dealing us a tricky hand with its endless parade of 'perfectsâ. These competing narratives unconsciously foster a relentless pursuit of flawlessness, often rooted in traditional caretaking roles.
All this leaves our nervous systems in a lurch, constantly vacillating between fight and flight and permanently jamming our brainâs internal threat detector in the âonâ position. Suddenly, even small mistakes or benign feedback become fiery catastrophes.Â
But âfor women in tech (or really any male-dominated field), perfectionism hits different,â says Psychology Today. One 2023 study âfound that women and marginalized groups face brutal double standards â having to be basically perfect to be seen as competentâŠ
The standards are already impossibly high when youâre the only woman in the room, or the only person of color, or both. Youâre not just managing your own perfectionism â youâre carrying the weight of representation too.
One false move feels like youâre letting down your entire gender or community.â
Signs of a Power Struggle
The silent battle with perfectionism often shows up physically. Here are some common tells that itâs taking a toll:
Feedback sends you spiraling.
Trouble delegating without micromanaging.
Always anxiously waiting for potential setbacks.
Physical discomfort: chest tightening before meetings, stomach in knots before presentations, migraines, and constant exhaustion.
The Deal: Hidden Costs of PerfectionismÂ
This relentless pursuit of "perfect" subtly but powerfully holds you back, often leaving you playing small when youâre capable of so much more.Â
It discourages you from pursuing challenging goals, or even attempting them at all, and leads to burnout from constantly taking on smaller tasks we are overqualified for, simply because we know we can execute them flawlessly.Â
The real cost? This fear of imperfection puts the brakes on your career and personal growth, stopping you from moving forward.
The Flop: Folding Unrealistic Standards and Betting on Yourself
With perfectionism, it's easy to believe our value comes only from what we do, not who we are. That's a brutal way to size yourself up.
Still, itâs important to recognize that the trait isnât a character flaw. Itâs a survival strategy. This awareness alone can help you flip the tables, allowing you to view your perfectionist leanings with curiosity instead of judgement.
In poker, we learn to make choices with imperfect information. You learn that you rarely have all the facts, yet you must make a move. This challenges your inner perfectionist's need for absolute certainty, training you to play the hand you're dealt, not the hand you wish you had. The cards show us success comes from consistently making smart decisions over many rounds, not from winning every single pot.Â
Life is similar: our real mission is to focus on good, strategic plays and learn from every outcome, rather than aiming for an impossible "flawless" streak.
Perfectionists often "tilt" from perceived mistakes, just as a poker player might after a difficult round. Poker strategies for emotional regulation help you acknowledge feelings without letting them undermine your self-worth or derail your personal growth. You learn that you can do everything right and still face an unfavorable outcomeâand that's ok.
The real winners understand that action surpasses flawlessness every time. They embrace progress, not just perfection.
To truly bet on yourself, consider these strategic shifts:
Fold on Unrealistic Standards: Know when to step away from the relentless chase of an impossible ideal. Some goals or expectations simply aren't worth the mental or emotional "chips" they demand. This isn't a failure; itâs a strategic move to preserve your well-being and emotional "bankroll."
Redefine Success on Your Own Terms: This isn't about lowering your expectations; it's about intentionally choosing what genuinely matters for your well-being and growth.
Confidently "Bet" on You: When you truly understand your inherent value, you're better equipped to confidently "push yourself to make the ask"âwhether it's for a raise, a new opportunity, or setting a boundary. This isn't arrogance; it's a strategic "value bet" on who you are. As we say at Poker Power, "You never bet money. You bet on you."
See Your Inherent Value as your Ultimate Stack: Shift your focus from external metrics to your internal worth. You don't need to earn your value; you inherently possess it. Your unique skills, experiences, and resilience are your powerful "starting hand." This stack doesn't diminish with a single perceived mistake or a "bad beat" in life.
Consider this: Instead of attempting to alter your inner perfectionist, try offering it the praise and appreciation it so desperately desires. Perhaps give it a name and express gratitude for its contribution to your successes. This part of you might be operating on outdated information, unaware that your circumstances have changed since childhood. Even when it feels uncomfortable, the truth is this aspect has served a vital purpose: keeping you safe and acceptedâand that is certainly no mistake.
Join the conversation: Comment one area where you're choosing 'progress over perfection' this week!